While enjoying my first cup of coffee at 4:00am decided to watch a little TV while I was waking up. Being Sunday with little on television I went to my previously recorded versions of my favorite show "Glee". I re-watched the most recent show in it's entirety but realized that I wasn't interested in sitting for hours in front of the television watching show after show. What I really wanted to do was re-watch specific parts of many episodes. The singing and dancing always make me smile and I went through all my recorded episodes and dialed right into the performances I love so much. 

On a typical Sunday morning, I end up spending several hours with my coffee in front of the television. I "think" a lot about what I want to accomplish on that day but seldom have the energy to get up and move. Let's face it, the shape I have been in lately it's quite an accomplishment some days that I manage to get out of bed at all. 

With my spirits up at that early hour after only a few cups of coffee I decided to move myself out of the family room and sit at my writing table. When I put my head on my pillow last night there were so many things running through my mind and I was eager to start my day writing it out. My only problem was that I needed to clear my head a little to try to make some sense of it all. 

The thoughts that started to come as I attempted to drift off to sleep brought me back to a time I don't like to revisit. It brings back pain, anxiety and oh so many questions as to why. I found myself reflecting back on my husbands 2nd deployment, my feelings during, following his return and those things that continue to haunt me today. I fell asleep with more questions than answers but knowing that exploring those emotions were the absolute place I had to start if I was going to truly be able to move forward. Digging up these old bones in my closet was not a task I was looking forward to but essential if I was to make any progress at all.

I sat at my computer for quite a while checking my email, the weather, really anything that would delay what I knew I had to face. I finally realized I still wasn't ready so decided to give cleaning another shot. After all it seemed to make me feel good yesterday. While spending about an hour doing some light cleaning I realized that I needed to face my thoughts head on and cleaning was actually a distraction. So with some hesitation I decided to take an early walk today. 

I headed to the bedroom where my husband was still sleeping peacefully and started to get myself ready. It is a grey rainy/snowy day here today and I bundled up for my walk that I hoped would lead to some insight on the topics that were haunting me from the night before.

Before I knew it I was at the park walking the track and my brain kicked into high gear. So the big question in my mind came down to one thing today. Why did I feel so horrible about my husband being deployed? How could I be so totally proud of him and the work he was doing over there and feel so horrible about it at the same time? 

First things first. I truly am proud of my husband. He is one of the most selfless people I know and he is a true patriot. He loves his country enough to put his own life at risk to preserve the freedoms we sometimes take for granted.  However, his passion for the service of his country is somehow at the root of why I struggle today. I soon realized during my walk that I have often felt as if there are more than the 2 of us in this marriage and I'm just not sure how to deal with being the 3rd wheel taking second place behind his need to serve his country. I know that sounds more than a little selfish but the truth is when we stood at the altar and took vows it was just the two of us. 

He had been in the military years before we met but only signed up in his current capacity a few years after we married. With that having been said, I had no idea in marrying him, I was also going to marry the military and fall into the obedient, understanding role of a military wife who accepts her place in the chain of command. I didn't know what I was truly getting into. I'm not saying I wouldn't have married him had I known, I just would have felt more control over my decision because I would have "chosen" the life.  Perhaps it all comes back to my "control freak" tendencies.  With the military your life can be going smoothly in one direction and at the drop of a hat take you reeling down another path you aren't prepared for. So how did I get through it so much better the first time and fall apart completely during round 2? Like I said, I have more questions than answers but one thing I know for sure is that in digging through and identifying the key issues, I am taking steps towards my answers and perhaps getting my happy back.

Although my walk was filled with reflection on a past I find it difficult to face, it was invigorating. I managed another 3 times around the 1/4 mile track with my Maltese in tow and returned to the house to pick up my bull dog and take him on a quick 1/4 mile or so walk. It felt good to be out and to have accomplished as much as I have so early in the day! I look at that as progress. 

Just when I was worried that the thoughts of the past were going to consume me today, my husband grabbed me and started dancing with me right in my kitchen. With my can of Pledge and a dish rag in my hand I was instantly pulled out of my original thoughts and swept away by the spontaneous precious moment he gave me. It was somehow familiar to me, and brought back precious memories of a simpler time. It felt truly wonderful!

Getting ready for "Sunday Dinner" today and time with the family. Should make for a great end to the day and the weekend.

Lesson for the day: Sometimes we have to look backwards on life experiences to begin our journey of growth and movement forward. Don't be afraid to take on those difficult topics. I promise there is always a lesson intended for you and if you don't look back and make time for reflection you risk missing the lesson. In addition, take in every spontaneous moment of joy you can and remember to reflect back on those moments with a true sense of pleasure!

Until next time!

Laura D.