You see "writing it out" isn't where my journey ends each day. I usually end the day discussing anything I may have realized during my discovery that day and well sometimes good or bad it leads to even more discovery by the end of the night.

"I never promised you a rose garden". I mean I was in a really dark place when I started this journey and am trying hard not to kid myself into believing that all discovery will be positive.

So I left off yesterday with the realization that I had not yet purposefully "chosen" to live the life of a military wife and wondered why and if that was even possible....

Once my nightly review with my husband began I soon realized that I have not yet "chosen" this life because I don't feel I have been asked to choose. I have felt like an outsider that is having to live within a lifestyle I don't belong in or totally understand. Looking back on the chain of events over the last few years I am finally starting to see why I feel that way.

I left for my walk as usual today and again made it 4 times around the track. To tell you the truth I think I would have continued walking if my body had not made me feel the need to stop. I was really getting some answers and could have gone all day working to put the pieces together.

So here is what I know for sure and need to share. I married a wonderful man and I still believe that. He would never "intentionally" do ANYTHING that he knew would hurt me. With that having been said, I did come to some realizations as to why I have been unable to "Choose" this lifestyle. 

Looking back I realized that whether it came to decisions about re-enlistments,  attending military schools that would take him away or anything related to his military career that I was only given an opportunity to weigh in with my opinion but that at the end of the day, my husband needed and was going to do whatever it took to feed his passion to serve his country and this part of his life. I guess you could say I was spending a lot of time in the "cheap seats" and not in a "true" position to make any impact to military decisions. 

Actually as I think about it, that may be at the root of where some of my issues come from. I don't believe it was a conscious decision to do what he wanted regardless of what I felt about it. It just kind of turned out that way. I have been unable to accept this life because I have been left out (sometimes I feel pushed out) of decisions and even things that would help me to feel more connected like getting to know the people whose lives are in his hands and vice versa. He tries very hard to keep military meetings and conversations that take place away from me when the call comes in at home. Perhaps he is trying to shelter me as a way of protecting me from having to "deal" with the military. Only he can truly answer that question as a part of his own discovery process. I can tell you one thing though, it's that disconnection that makes me feel unwanted and makes it hard for me to "choose" to be a part of it all. Think about it.... would anyone make a conscious effort to "choose" to be a part of something they didn't feel welcome in? I know I wouldn't and actually haven't....

So the real answer to my question is going to be determined by how I can make myself feel wanted and eager to sign up in the role of the dutiful military wife. I'm not gonna lie and say I know how that will happen or how to even start but it does feel good to break this apart into these little chunks in an effort to work on the whole picture. I do love my husband and he is worth the effort I am putting in to resolve my feelings. I am so proud of him for his service to his country. I just can't balance that pride with the day to day struggles I am still having after all this time.

Lesson for the day: Even though you may feel like you are going into a free-fall into some really "deep" emotions and necessary discussions, don't get frustrated. Just keep the reason you are going through the process in the front of your mind as much as possible and most important, the motivation that started it all.

Until next time,

Laura D.