So I want to spend a little time talking about my physical journey today and later I will fill you in on what I learned through my emotional journey.

I reflect back on where I started on my birthday when I made the decision that I was going to start living my life again. I look where I am a few short weeks later and all that I have accomplished and I wish I could say the path was easy and just making the decision on that day was enough to get the job done. The honest truth is that throughout this process there have been many days when I had to really push myself to get those shoes on and leave the house. Whether it be due to physical pain or just a lack of motivation, this has been a daily struggle. The fact is that when you have had as much physical pain that I deal with on a daily basis and a healthy dose of emotional pain, making a decision to live your life with purpose can be more than difficult. However, through the grace of God and my sense of determination I have made it this far. This gives me hope that anything is possible and I can take my life back into my own hands and learn to have fun, enjoy the company of others and feel fulfilled at the end of each day.

As for my emotional journey.... well it's been a good day in that arena as well. However, I went to bed last night and faced yet more questions that I knew I would need to address today. I was thinking about the vow renewal that my husband and I are going to plan. We talked about it a little last night and I feel horrible that I had to look at him and tell him I had an ever so small a doubt that it would actually happen. I explained that I didn't know why I doubted it but something in my mind was questioning if it would really come to be. Perhaps because we had attempted to do this after he returned from his last deployment and nothing ever became of that planning. Heck I still even have the dress I bought for the occasion hanging in my closet and have wondered to myself for over a year now if I will ever get the opportunity to put it on.

I don't want to imply that I don't trust my husband. The baggage I carry is all my own. Logically I know why it didn't happen last time we started planning and to be honest looking back I think it would have been for all the wrong reasons. My husband trying to comfort my doubts had me look him in the eye and simply said "trust me". There are many times he has said those very words and I would give up my control and trust that all would be ok. I trust him with my life and always have. My struggle today was working to figure out why I just can't have 100% blind faith that it will happen. 

While on my walk today I started to think it may be less important to know the "Why" about the doubt but more critical to figure out how I can erase that doubt. I thought back about our first wedding and realized that other than putting on a Tuxedo and taking a short walk down the alter to say vows, all he had to do was show up. I pretty much planned the entire event.  With that realization, I came up with a plan that just may start to erase the doubt. I believe that if we truly work as a team to plan this vow renewal, equal partners and equally invested in making this commitment, my doubt may slowly fall away. The more I feel he is truly invested in making this happen for us both, the better I know I will feel.

Lesson for the day: Even if you face a daily challenge to get up and live your life, make the decision to push yourself out into the world of the living. It feels oh so good to know you have accomplished a personal goal and even more so because you had to work hard to get there. 

Wishing you hope and light!

Until next time,

Laura D.