The Soldiers Left Behind - BlogThe Soldiers Left Behind Blog
Better go and get your armor......
Here I sit wondering what about my armor???? Is there military issue for the emotional combat I face on a daily basis because of my spouse being deployed??? Ok, does that sound like someone with more than a few issues? Well sure it does and p.s. I carry more than a little hostility about it too. The problem is I just don't know why.
So I'm listening to the television while working away today and a commercial for "Military Wives" comes on. Immediately I find myself on the verge of tears. Ok, I don't understand, I am now crying and find it impossible to get through a "commercial" for a "fictional" show..... WTF????
Let me just say that I have never watched that particular show and I used to have a specific reason why. I would tell people "I don't need to watch a show about a life that I live every day, played out by actors on television". Wow that sounded harsh even as I was writing it.
Looking back now I believe the reason I have never watched is the same reason I turn the channel every time I see one of those commercials with sad music playing as beautiful animals are paraded on the screen in an effort to make you feel guilty enough to adopt one. DON"T GET ME WRONG here, I LOVE animals I have 2 myself but enough with these commercials already, they only make me sad that I can't adopt each and every one. So I turn the channel..... back to the reason, to keep it simple it makes me sad. It strikes up emotion from me. Sure the sadness comes from a different place with the animals but it's sadness none the less and it is something I know I am helpless to do anything about.
I left for the track today and let me just say I WISH I would get to the point where it becomes a habit and not a chore. Regardless of the extra effort it took again today just to get out there, I managed another 1 1/2 miles. During that time my thoughts drifted off pondering "Why does love always feel like a battlefield".... ?
I started to think about the sadness brought on by those commercials and concluded that I couldn't watch because I was still sad after all this time and that emotion was driven to the surface every time I would see the adds for the latest episode.
With that I tried to think back on the times that I was the most sad before and during my husbands deployment to see if I could figure out where the feelings were coming from. So let me just start by saying I know that I am a part of a unique society of people who can totally understand certain aspects of my experience.
- The feelings of fear, uncertainty and sadness when you face your spouse for that final goodbye before the jump on a plane and fly away into a combat zone that know person can guarantee they will return from. I'm not going to try to describe it because it leaves me without words. Indescribable I guess you could say and certainly can't imagine unless you have walked a mile in my shoes. The soldiers we love are literally choosing (in many cases) to pay the ultimate price for freedom if necessary. Wow, think about that last sentence.... how many people do you know that are willing to make that kind of sacrifice for not only a complete stranger but in a foreign land?
- The lingering feelings of fear, uncertainty and sadness relived every day while they are away. Constantly praying they will return home to you and as close to possible the same person they were when they left
- The feeling of sitting on bleachers watching your spouse march in formation into an auditorium after getting off the plane from the Middle East at the end of the deployment.
The first two items simply can't be avoided. They are what this job is all about. It goes with the territory of living a military lifestyle. As loved ones, it is expected of us that we have our "moment" but then somehow turn into these superheros that pick up and shoulder the entire burden of making sure the battle is continued to be fought on the home-front.
The last item is one I struggle with the most I think. Although I am proud to be sitting on those bleachers and excited beyond belief that my husband made his way back to me, I battle with feeling of guilt as well for those whose spouses didn't make it back and those who may have come back but were never the same person they were when they left.
Do I have survivor guilt? Or is it something more selfish that keeps me feeling sad at a time that in my head I KNOW I should be nothing but grateful to have him home safely. I have to be honest here, I don't know the answer. I feel as if I have battle scars of my own and I didn't fight the war. I have guilt for that too. The only solution for me is in continuing to search for answers and get myself some emotional armor because I have a feeling I'm in for a bumpy ride.
We'll talk a little more about my hostility another day, it's date night and my sweetie is on his way home to pick me up.
Lesson for the day: Never forget about the fine soldiers that gave all in service to their country and just as important, never forget that those soldiers had families that allowed them to make that sacrifice and should always know the sacrifices they have made and live with every day will never be forgotten either.
Wishing you happiness and light!
Until next time,
Laura D.
Laura, that show, I believe, brings up other feelings within us that cause us to face the tears that start to roll as we realize it does make us sad, sad enough to bring the unbidden tears that we try so hard not to shed when the ones that we love the most are missing from our daily lives. Watching the uniforms on the screen and the interaction from that show brought more tears than I care to mention. The feelings of being lost without him, the insecurities of his being gone and not wanting to admit I wasn't as strong as I felt he needed me to be and I had the same reaction to the animal commercials as you did but I would look and cry and let the emotions roll and pray it would not be the time he could call me until I could take hold of all those feelings and get them in check. Then feel guilty over my weakness and pray again that he would call. I know that we do all go thru it differently but this post brought back so many memories of what I felt back then.
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Super-duper! Seriously, I'm not kidding!
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