Started my morning making breakfast for the kids before they had to leave to head back home. It's always tough to say goodbye but I just keep reminding myself that they will be back. So I poured all my energy into cleaning my house and making my "Sicilian Gravy" for our Sunday Dinner tonight.

With most of my chores done and the kids well on their way back home, I put on those walking shoes and left for a much needed time of reflection and my daily walk.

It was another 1 1/2 mile day for me and a great time to reflect. The sun came out and I had a great view of the lake to inspire my thoughts.

So I left off last time talking about the hostility I felt and still feel, during and after my husband's deployment. 

I tried to break things out into small chunks to start my analysis. In my reflection, I listed in my mind all of the things that happened while my husband was away. Let's see the really major things I tackled were:

When my husband went through his issue, I was alone and scared to death. He was thousands of miles away in a hostile land where our soldiers were being injured all the time and there he was with blood that wouldn't clot. 

I still remember the day he called me and told me about it all and how an instant feeling of panic hit me and the desire to have him back home where I could "protect" him was so severe that I started to free fall so deep into the "rabbit hole" that not only did I feel I would never make it back to the surface, I didn't even think to look for the light leading the way out.

Here's the deal, he promised me they were doing all they could to figure out what was causing his clotting issue and he promised me they were not allowing him to go on any missions while the were working to figure out what was going on. For some reason that offered very little if no comfort to me. I WANTED HIM HOME!!! 

There were many options for what they were going to do with him. They included sending him to Germany for testing and then home, sending him home for testing or if they could identify the problem where he was then he would be treated while in Iraq. As his wife I wanted desperately to see them send him to Germany (where I could meet and be with him) or bring him home altogether. However, the answers to what would be his destiny were slow coming to us. I agonized for weeks while they tested and sent his blood 1/2 way across the world to be analysed by doctors who were the best in their fields along the way. I think what made this the most difficult time of waiting was knowing that my husband wanted to stay right where he was at.  The last thing he wanted to do was to leave his men and especially due to something he considered to be nothing more than a major inconvenience . I think a lot of my hostility developed during this time because not only were we having to wait so long to figure out what they would do with him, it was fueled by the knowledge that he didn't really want to leave his men. It just occurred to me after re-reading what I just wrote that I may have just stumbled on one of the key issues I have carried with me all this time.

I need to dig even deeper into this thought, perhaps tomorrow. In the meantime I will tell you that what they did with him was exactly what HE wanted. They never found out the cause of the issue but after so much time passed, they decided his blood was clotting within a "reasonable" amount of time and they kept him in Iraq with his men, where he truly wanted to be the entire time. Don't get me wrong, I know he wanted to comfort me and be here for me but again it was that struggle between the service to his country and his wife at home.

Well, almost time for guests to arrive and I have to get out of this "dark" place in my head. Can't get Sunday Dinner off to a bad start!

Lesson for the day: When looking back at a BIG emotion tied to one or many events, try to break it down and figure out when your feelings actually start to change. Or, in my case when I lost complete control of the situation and my ability to pull myself back up and move forward.....

Wishing you happiness and light!

Until next time,

Laura D.