On to other news.... I started my day off kind of rocky. I had been nursing a sore hip (from overdoing it this weekend) and found myself still having a tough time when I woke up. I was deeply concerned about how this would impact my walk today. As the day went on I was determined not to let my sore hip get in the way of my walk. Had this happened even a month ago, it would have been the perfect excuse to stay home and I knew it. With that being said, I decided that I would go on my walk but would adjust my goal for today. The only goal I had when I hit the track was that I was going to walk until I felt the pain and see how far I could get. Before I knew it I was 3 1/2 times around the track and deep in thought but knowing that today I would settle for the mile. I completed my journey and felt good about it because I didn't set my goal too high and managed to go further than I thought I could.

Todays thoughts took me right back to where I left off on yesterday's post. I had realized that a key turning point in my emotional spiral came from the moment I discovered my husband had a medical issue while overseas. My reaction to the issue, him wanting to stay with his men no matter what, and the final decision by the military to keep him there. I had a very long talk about this with my husband following that post. What it really came down to was this. #1 the military was calling all the shots about his treatment, where to send him or to keep him in Iraq. #2 He absolutely did NOT want to come home and he confirmed that is exactly how he felt about it at the time and nothing can change that. When he is serving his country he has a responsibility for many men and was NOT going to turn his back on that duty for the sole purpose of being there to make sure each and every one of them came home safely to their own families. #3 - My feelings of complete hopelessness during the entire situation and my hostility about him even wanting to put me second even though the military made the ultimate decision and he had NO control over what they would do with him.

While I thought about this today I realized that this is one of those times that looking back doesn't do very much good when it comes to the events that occurred because nothing either of us could do would change what was now a part of our history. I realized that the only way for me to make peace with all of this would be to find a way to move on and in my conversations with my husband, I have since learned that he has already been making decisions that intentionally put me first. He turned down school that would take him away from us for 3 weeks and things of that nature. So in my mind, I need to look at those things as progress and I will find my way through this. After all, this discovery is about looking at the past to figure out how I can change my reaction to certain situations and look for lessons the tough ones had to offer. We can't go back and change the past and to be honest he wouldn't want to anyway because his duty during deployment has to come first and at some level I have known that the entire time.

A few days ago I posted that my husband and I picked the official date for our renewal ceremony. It wasn't until yesterday that my husband looked at me and asked "did you realize we chose to renew our vows the day before the 10th anniversary of 9/11, the day that life changed for all of us?" Wow, I get chills even thinking about it. I have to say it was never the plan when we pulled out the calendar and picked our date. It just worked out that way. With that knowledge today I gave some serious thought about what that really meant to me. On September 11th 2001 I was sitting in my office when the second tower of the World Trade Center came crashing to the street below and my phone rang with my husband on the other line who said the words that continue to haunt me to this day. He said "I don't know what this means for sure yet but we were just put on alert". That was the very moment where my "Control" was taken from me as well as so many people who lost their innocence, loved ones and were about to learn to live in a new world filled with fear and war.

As I took my walk today I decided that if I lost my control on 9/11 I was going to take it back when I stand at the altar and take new vows with my husband to live life as a military wife. A person who has "chosen" to live her life with uncertainty and the strength that all of that entails. After all, this journey is truly about learning to "be all I can be" as a military wife, and more important, a human being. I still have a long way to go but hope is forever in my heart and I am determined to make this life with my husband be something I can be proud of. I'm so proud of him for his service and I want to be able to say I'm proud of myself for taking this journey with him.

Lesson for the day: Well I learned that even control freaks like myself can do great things if they only let go and lower the expectations they have for themselves when they realize they are too high. I also learned that I don't want the past to dictate who I am, instead I want it to inspire me to be the person I want to be who lives life, has a true sense of daily growth, acceptance and happiness....

Wishing you happiness and light!

Until next time,

Laura D.