So when last I wrote about what was going on in my life I was headed to the event venue with my husband to start the planning for our vowel renewal. It's really difficult for me to express how I felt as we were driving to our destination. I was nervous, excited and full of disbelief that we were finally taking this step. Remember now I LOVE to plan a wedding but this event for us is so much more. Our renewal is not about the two of us saying "yup, we still do" followed by a fist bump! 

It's about making new commitments and an official coming together of our two worlds after all of these years. That feels pretty heavy to me even as I write this. I am working to resolve my feelings but it's hard to say where they are coming from. I mean it's a scary thing to commit that you are going to live the life of a strong military wife (alone when necessary). One thing I do know is that I am truly looking forward to that day in September with so much hope and promise of a new beginning. 

Ok, well I woke up this morning startled by one of those dreams that shakes you awake in the middle of sound sleep. I don't remember much about it but it scared me really bad and I knew the only thing I could do was get up and start the coffee so I could start my day.

After I was finally able to shrug off the horrible feelings left by the dream,  I watched a little news and caught up with the events still unfolding in Japan. By 9:00 am I was in my walking shoes and ready to head out the door. Not only for my daily walk, but to actually run some other errands. I haven't had a Saturday on my own like this in more months than I care to think about. 

My first stop was the grocery store. We are having Sunday Dinner and we had not been shopping in a while so I needed to pick up supplies. Let me just tell you that on a normal Saturday if there is grocery shopping to be done I would send my husband and here's why. 

Before his first deployment I used to enjoy grocery shopping but we got in to a bad habit of having John take over that household responsibility so he could be out of the house while I cleaned all day on Saturdays. Well, fast forward to the very first deployment and I find myself "having" to do the grocery shopping for the first time. I had been holding my emotions together up to this point but after only going down a few isles I found myself frozen in my tracks sobbing uncontrollably. I swear in my head I just knew they would be coming over the loud speaker to say "Clean up on Isle 5!"... I think that was the day it occurred to me just how much of an impact his absence would cause. It really had nothing to do with the groceries but everything to do with the fact that I was taking over my first responsibility that had been his and I missed him so much. I was a mess that day in the store but I have learned some along the way and was really proud of myself today because my small trip to the grocery store felt like just another errand I had to run. I didn't think about my husband being away, I just shopped. More important, I was out living my life and being productive all before 9:30 on a Saturday morning!

I had a few other errands to run before my walk but they didn't take long and before I knew it I was at the track. 

There wasn't anything in particular I had decided I was going to focus on today. I was more than a little distracted because it was pouring rain and colder than it had been because I was getting wet. I did think a lot today about how I feel knowing this is the first duty weekend without my husband since I started working on my issues. I was wondering if all of my hard work was starting to pay off. First of all let me just say that the mere fact I got up and moving early and actually ran some errands before I even started my walk made me realize I had made HUGE progress! 

I missed him last night but it wasn't the sinking feeling I typically get watching him walk out the door and I have certainly not spent my day today wondering when he is going to call me. I think I am finally taking some of my own life back. I was making plans for what I wanted to get done today and tomorrow in support of Sunday Dinner and thought a lot about what I wanted to write about today. I think the best thing for me was that instead of sitting around watching television all day with the dogs, I decided to do something different and that gave me more of a feeling of independence. So I am making progress. Yes I do miss my husband but it feels more appropriate somehow and not the feeling of desperation and isolation I had been used to feeling. 

My walk was a wet 1 1/2 miles on the track today but it was time and energy well spent. I returned home and just kept moving. I changed my clothes and jumped right into the chores I knew I wanted to get done. It felt good to have some control back. I'm more than a little exhausted now but I feel great having put in the effort and relieved that it didn't feel like I had to "push" myself to get out there!

Lesson for the day: One lesson I learned is that sometimes when you are missing someone during routine activities that normally involve them, you should try to mix it up and make it different some how so you don't feel the same connection to the task. I also learned that hard work does pay off and today I am living proof. I'm happy and ready to take on tomorrow!

Wishing you happiness and light!

Until next time,

Laura D.