Lots to think about today. I started my time at the track in disbelief that there was ever a time that I actually was grateful for my husband's deployment (during round 1). But the fact is that I really was. I remember the day so clearly, as if it just occurred. 

It was 2004 and my husband had already come home and headed back from his 2 week leave months prior. I was asked by one of my friends in our Family Readiness Group if I would go with her to the airport because it was time for her to meet her husband who was coming home for R&R.  I have to say it wasn't a quick yes that came from me. I was scared it would be difficult to see other husbands coming home and thought it would make me miss my husband more than I already did. I did finally agree and before I knew it I was swept up in the excitement with my friend as she prepared for this special home coming. 

We got to the airport and soldier after soldier deplaned and it was all very overwhelming. I found myself going up to complete strangers and thanking them for their service. By the time my friend's husband got off the plane the excitement had reached a level I had not anticipated. Instead of missing my husband even more, I was totally filled with joy watching these proud young men greet their families after being away for so long. Before I knew it I was volunteering one of the soldier's a ride home. His wife was also a part of our little group and was home with their brand new baby. The ride to his home was long but the entire way there all he could do was talk about how proud he was of his wife for being so brave and holding down the household and going through such a major life event (the birth of their 2nd child) without him.

When we got to the house I was told to go around back so I could take pictures because he was going to knock on the door and mom was going to have their 3yr old answer it. She had no idea daddy was coming home and they wanted to capture the moment on film. Everything happened so fast after that. He knocked on the door, their daughter ran to answer it and screamed when she saw her dad for the first time in months. As if that didn't bring enough joy to be a witness to, I watched this soldier as he was hugging his family and looking in his eyes at the very moment he remembered he had a new baby and had not yet seen him. I watched as his loving eyes moved to the precious miracle sitting just a few feet away and all I remember at that moment was that I slowly put the camera on the table and made a quiet exit from their home to give them their private "moment". 

I went out to my truck and before I even turned on the keys it was as if a light came down as a special blessing just for me and for the very first time I thanked God that my husband was away serving his country. For if it wasn't for that fact, I NEVER would have been able to witness such a precious moment. From that day forward my attitude and really my entire life changed because of my gratitude for the moment. I had finally realized that by helping others, I could get through this and be proud of myself for making it through the other side a stronger woman!

Flash forward to present day and I wonder why I was unable to see those precious "moments" as a time to keep moving forward. Part of my issue I think is that all of this time I have been measuring myself against 2 year long deployments that were completely different. By the time the first was over I had learned so much about myself, felt I had a purpose and was proud of the person I was. As much as that is a good thing, I think it added to my inability to manage the second time around. 

The first time around I didn't set the bar very high for myself because I had no idea what it would be like. I was going into the process blind and learning along the way. By the second time he deployed I set the bar for myself at such a high level I could never have measure up. Mostly because I thought I had all the answers but the truth is I had the answers to the lessons I needed to learn the first time around. I had no real idea what I would face the second time but fully EXPECTED I would be great. I even remember thinking the day we said our final goodbye in a park nearby his armory that this time I am driving away a stronger woman than I was the first time when I had to have someone drive me to drop him off because I knew I would be a mess.

There were so many things different between the first and second deployments that I had know way to know would be the case the day he left. With the first deployment he was in a much safer place, I talked to him almost every day, my children were still at home and nothing really major happened.

The second time was so much bigger, I was in way over my head. My children had left the nest, I was still trying to figure out how to adjust to that and there was one MAJOR life event after another that came at me like rapid fire that I was barely able dodge. On top of all of that, my husband was in a much more dangerous place and developed his blood clotting issue and was unable to come home.

I guess I have been truly unjustly beating myself up for what I have always considered "falling apart" during the second time. The truth is, I was just so overwhelmed that I was unable to look at any one of my darkest days and search for the lesson that in my heart I believe was there the entire time. I guess it's time for me to start digging into those lessons and perhaps it's not even too late for me to find those moments where I can again thank God and be grateful for putting me on this journey.

Lesson today: I learned I have so many good memories that help me to remember that I am strong. In addition, I learned that I have to be careful that I don't set expectations for myself that are impossible for me to meet.

Wishing you happiness and light!

Until next time,

Laura D.