That does not mean that I haven't had any time for reflection. I have actually come to some conclusions about why I still have "issues" in certain areas.

I have been unable to really figure out why I was disconnecting from my family support group (besides the physical issues I was having) other than what I pointed out in an earlier post about my experience with the family support group while my husband was deployed the 2nd time. 

It wasn't until I saw another commercial for "Army Wives" that I realized what part of the issue was. In this particular episode it was clear that one of the soldiers had been killed in the line of duty. The "Wives" were all standing around as the car containing the officials pulled up and out came the 2 notification officers in full uniform. They looked at each other and you could see in their eyes that one of them was about to be devastated. 

First of all let me just say that this is truly how you are notified (from what was explained at a Readiness seminar I attended). The notification officer is joined by the chaplain and they pull up to your house, get out in full dress uniform and "regret to inform you"...... So one of the things I connected with this is that during my first deployment I had such a solid relationship with the ladies in my support group that even though they may not have been present at the time of such a notification (thankfully it didn't happen to me), they would have immediately come to stand shoulder to shoulder with me through the process. 

Flash forward to the second deployment and my lack of relationships with those who were dealing with the same deployment. I truly felt that I would be alone if something God forbid would have happened to my husband. I felt no unity with the other wives and would have had only family and close friends to lean on. This isn't a bad thing but as I have mentioned many times, people who don't live this lifestyle can totally understand all that you are going through. When your spouse is in a danger zone you think about and pray almost daily that the "car" doesn't come to bring you bad news.  In hindsight thinking back today, I am almost certain that word would have traveled to those I bonded with the first time and they would have been there for me. It's just hard to "know" that in your mind when you are so deep in depression. I guess this is just another area I am going to have to put behind me without resolution but a plan to make it better next time. I can't jump in a time machine and put in the effort to bond with those that could help me through my trials. The only thing I can do is my best when it comes to building those bonds now.

I want to end this by taking a moment to say how grateful I truly am to all of those hero's and their families who gave all so we as Americans could live a life of true freedom. This freedom we take for granted sometimes doesn't come without a price and those who have chosen to fight for our country and those that choose every day to stand by them to allow their sacrifice know this better than anyone.

 

I also want to take a moment to talk about my "leadership" question I left off with yesterday. Yesterday I wondered why I was so insecure about taking on leadership roles after being so strong in the past. Today I realized I have slowly started to take that confidence back in ways that are a little different. 

I very recently took leadership of the task to pull my family and extended family together every week for Sunday dinner and so far they have continued to show up week after week and enjoy each other. At the end of the day, I believe the time spent will bring us closer in ways we didn't expect. That's a huge accomplishment in my eyes and I am hopeful that I am starting a tradition that will pass down beyond my own generation. I want my kids, their kids and their children's children to see the importance of coming together as family and being there for one another. 

Lesson for today: I learned that even though it doesn't always feel like I am moving forward in life, I truly am. I also learned or should more appropriately say I am more committed to making the relationships around me stronger. You never know when you will need to lend a shoulder or need one yourself.

Wishing you love, happiness and light!

Until next time,

Laura D.