With that being said, I had many thoughts about my emotional pain during those 2 miles. I couldn't help but continue to ask myself what I was supposed to be doing with all the bones and buried handles that I dig up on a daily basis that represent my emotional pain.

I know that I can certainly "walk" it out and it helps me to not only bring the emotions to the surface but also to explore why they had such a negative impact on me. I also know that I can "write" it out and that helps me to process all the thoughts I have about those emotions. What I don't know what to do is how to deal with the raw emotions I bring to the surface with every exploration.

The first few times around the track I just kept wondering how I could shed the emotions once and for all and truly put the past behind me. After a few more times around the track it suddenly dawned on me that it wasn't that I needed to shed these experiences once and for all. I needed to learn how to live in harmony with them and learn from the lessons they taught me. I have often heard that you can't run away from your past and that sometimes in order to heal, you have to face what scares you the most head on in order to tackle your fears. After all, those who leave their past mistakes behind them and not learn anything by them, are those most destined to bring history back to life and continue to make the same mistakes time and time again. 

The more I thought about this, the more I was starting to remember how much I know that is true.

Back in the late 80's I was barely 21 and a newly divorced single mother. I was working my very first job ever with the most ridiculous hours ever. My shift started at 4:30 am every day. One particular day will be with me my entire life. 

So I was scheduled to work on a weekend a Saturday morning and my daughter who was not even 2 years old yet was staying with her dad. I got in my car at 4:00 a.m. to head off to work and realized I needed to stop to get gas because I had forgotten to fill up my tank before I headed home the night before.

I drove to the same gas station I had been filling up at for years. I walked into pay for my gas and didn't notice the large truck parked in the lot just a few feet away. I proceeded to gas up my car and it wasn't until I started my car back up that I was pulled out of my "safe" feeling when I heard the truck that had been sitting there (the driver apparently watching me the entire time) start up and start revving his engine. I was originally Just a little startled, still thinking perhaps it was a coincidence until I turned on my lights and his large truck lights popped on immediately. I put my car in drive and pulled out of the lot with the truck directly behind me. I had only a few miles to drive until I got to work but the mental anguish I would go through during those few miles is something I will never forget. It was just the 2 of us on the road at that early hour and the truck was clearly following me. If I changed lanes, he changed lanes. If I took a side road, he followed. When we would come to a Red light. I would stop my car and look straight ahead and he would pull out from behind me and get right next to me, flash his lights and rev up his very loud engine. This would play out for almost the entire distance in my journey to work that day and only stopped when I believed he was spooked by a police officer that came from somewhere but was suddenly very near. The next thing I knew the truck was gone. My innocence departed at that moment as well. Luckily I was only a block away from work at this point but I knew I still had to get into the building. It was a secured area and in order to get in I knew I would have to get out of my car and ring the outside buzzer and hope the ladies working the night shift would be swift to come and unlock the doors to let me in. I did make it inside and screamed to the person that let me in that they needed to HURRY and lock the door back up behind me. It was at that time that I realized what could have happened that very morning. I had a very young daughter that may well have not seen her mother again. I had started to realize just how lucky I was that police officer drove up to us when he did, that the person chasing me down got spooked and that I got into the building safe and sound. 

I thought about this experience today for the first time in over 20 years. What I realized was that it was one of the scariest times I have lived in my life. I had nightmares for weeks after the occurrence and hugged my daughter closer from that day forward. I also realized that the time I spent in the car that very morning in that situation taught me a lot about safety. For a very long time I had that experience at the forefront of my mind all those nights that I would tell myself "I'll just gas up in the morning" and that would send me right to my car to take care of it so I wouldn't put myself in that position again. This isn't to say that I would never gas up at some crazy hour of the morning again, but part of the lesson was learning to be more aware of my surroundings and my feelings if I had to put myself out there again. So it was a moment that definitely scarred me but the battle wounds I got from that I turned into a very important life lesson and one that I have passed down to my children over the years (without remembering anymore what the inspiration to do so really was). I think the most important thing I realized remembering all of this today is that I no longer have an emotional connection to the incident. I guess time took that away from me and what was left was the lesson. So in a sense I have learned to co-exist with this experience because of what it taught me. 

This made me wonder if all of this work is perhaps serving a similar purpose. I'm starting to think I don't want to wish the experiences away, but to keep digging for those valuable lessons and I know first hand that the emotions can and will fall away as long as I keep doing the work.

Well, It's another Sunday and you know what that means, Sunday Dinner!!! Looking forward to spending the first day of spring with my family!

Lesson for today: I learned that I have to keep some sort of connection to those things that haunt me but learn to take their emotional power away from them. So I can look at them rationally and analyse them for the lessons meant for me.

 

 Wishing you hope, happiness and light!

Until next time,

Laura D.