Another beautiful day here and still unable to walk. The jury is still out on how long I will be down but I can't get out there soon enough. I miss the personal time of peace that I get when I walk. It helps me to quietly sort through my thoughts.

I had a very interesting conversation with my husband last night that was sparked by a realization I had yesterday. We had just been told that my husband is receiving a very special award through the military that is only awarded to a very small number of people each year. Even if your name is submitted to receive this award, it is not a certainty that you will receive it. My husband was one of only 2 people in his Brigade to be given this honor.

I was and am so proud of him for being selected for such an honor! The first thing I did was send a note out to his entire family and mine to tell them all about it. That action actually started to get me thinking about my own life and had me wondering if my husband could ever be as proud of me as I am of him. We have struggled through the obvious challenges that deployment brings but there are many other "little" things that contribute over time as well. Many all boil down to communication. I "know" how my husband feels about me but it has taken years any many reminders that he needs to tell me and show me how he feels. I don't know if it's just me or if many women require this type of validation. 

 

My husband has all the confidence in the world and doesn't need anyone to tell him how great he is because he knows he is a good man in his values, work ethic and dedication to his family and his country. So for him I believe it's difficult to think about my needs when it comes to validation. It surely isn't his fault that I need it. I just know that I do to help keep me motivated and inspired to be all that I can be. I didn't feel I received any such validation as a child and I believe that is part of why I had such a lack of self esteem. I was always trying to please my father and seldom felt I even came close. At one point as a teenager, I started acting out and looking back now I guess it's because I was willing to get attention from my dad one way or another. If I couldn't do enough to make him happy or proud of me, then I would force him to pay attention by acting out and getting into trouble.

Having said that, I can't help but think about all of my accomplishments in life and wonder why I can't feel that sense of having been a part of and doing some very special things in my life. I have a great job, I lived out a lifelong dream by writing a song and actually recording it in a professional studio. I performed my song (the first time at the request of a General in my husbands brigade who had heard it) for hundreds of people on several occasions. I wrote a book and had it published. I have been guest speaker for a crowd of other military wives (which is one of my favorite things) and have even performed as lead singer for a few songs in a bar on a few occasions with a local band. Not to even mention that fact that I raised two wonderful children who have great character, sense of determination and are driven to follow their dreams. When I write it out it seems I have a rather "charmed" life! I only wish that I could cherish that fact and even more, I truly would love to hear my husband tell me he is proud of me and tell me that I am special. He may be thinking those things but if he doesn't share those thoughts with me, I continue to wonder what he really thinks. 

This is an issue that I really don't know how to fix. I have talked to him about it but if he says something after being prompted to do so I'm just going to question whether or not he is sincere. I guess what I want is for it to be something that is second nature for him just as it is for me. When he does something great, not only tell him how proud I am, I share the news with others because I am so proud. 

Let's face it, nobody ever said marriage was easy and I am very grateful that I have a husband that is willing to put in the work and truly make an effort to improve our communications. Lot's of questions surrounding this one but it's getting late and time for me to hit the sack.

Lesson for today: I learned that sometimes we have to go back to experiences from childhood to understand why we are the way we are today and sometimes it takes the years of time that have passed in order for us to truly understand the full impacts of those events from the past and how they reach beyond time and continue to contribute to challenges we face.

Wishing you happiness and light!

Until next time,

Laura D.