I certainly made it across the wire, sometimes struggling to catch my balance while other steps were easy. Although I am happy to have made it to the other side I am still afraid to look down from the pedestal on the other side. 

Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is to really look at the person in the mirror and see that person (me) with all the flaws and imperfections and learn to love what you see. I feel like there are still so many open wounds in my spirit that need healing. The funny thing is, I am starting to wonder if it's really all about what I "think" it has been all about. I find myself asking if perhaps my insecurities are a residue left behind from when I was a child and the vessel that is bringing them to the surface just happens to be my husband and dealing with his last deployment. It's entirely possible that it's a little bit of both. The challenges I had while he was away would have impacted most people in a negative way. It's that tidal wave of negative energy that knocks you off your feet and holds you down almost until you are no longer to catch your breath. With that having been said, I also know that although I couldn't control the tidal wave I had the opportunity to control my response. 

The more I type this the more I know I have been escaping the wave for many years and when it finally hit me it took me way off course. I am trying to turn things around for myself now. I have made a true effort to learn from all of the negative experiences and have come away with some great lessons. However, for some strange reason I still feel a STRONG need for validation and acceptance. In my mind this need has been with me most of my life. I would like to say I am happy and proud of myself but for the same reasons that were true when I was a young girl, I still need to "hear" from someone, anyone, that matters and is close to me, just how proud of me they are and the accomplishments I have achieved throughout my life. I think that is a quality in me that I need to improve on so I can truly shine through and move forward creating a new life for myself.

Validate and praise were never something that was handed out very often as I was growing up. I mean you had to do really GREAT things like graduate from college or get a great job to get more than a slight acknowledgement.  I guess I have been burying that emotional baggage for so long that even typing the words bring back the pain and feeling of not being "worthy" or "special" enough to do great things in life. 

In my head I know I can do whatever I set my mind to. I wrote and recorded a song, I am a published author, not to mention my WONDERFUL children and husband. I have a great job and nice home and still I struggle with being able to let go of the need for approval and acceptance from anyone. I guess if I had not seen praise in my home growing up, I would never really know what I was missing. The problem was that no matter what I did, it didn't seem like it was enough to make anyone proud of me. I wanted to be a professional singer when I was young but was never encouraged to pursue that and instead of allowing me to enjoy singing in the choir, they put a trumpet in my hand and made me play in the band. I was forced to take lessons and practice for 30 minutes every single day. I eventually made first chair trumpet in Jr. High school (better than all the boys playing the same instrument) but for some reason I still couldn't measure up to the expectations. Meanwhile, my siblings both younger and older were encouraged daily. When I retreated into the recesses of my own mind and became paralyzed by fear of other people, nobody noticed. Sure I pulled myself out of that situation later in life but it wasn't because of anyone else but only my absolute need to get a job and support my daughter. 

I guess the story today is that even though I have been down a long difficult journey that I am working my way back from, I still have a lot of old baggage that I need to sort through. If I'm going to truly be the strong person I know I can be, I need to shed the things from my past that have been holding me back and pushing me down.

Until Next time,

Laura D.