Whether I was desperately trying to help a loved one struggling with depression, my daughter having a pregnancy related medical issue, having to put the cat to sleep due to illness, my constant foot issues or the call that may take my life down a new road completely, I felt like a tidal wave of challenges were overtaking my ability to stay on my feet. 

Most every issue I faced last week has been resolved in a positive manner. However, my husband informed me that his unit is being moved up 1 year ahead of the scheduled rotation for an overseas deployment. 

Now nothing has been made official and it is still at least 1 year from now but the bottom line is that my husband will be impacted by this deployment (if it happens) because he will still be months from his retirement date. 

Thankfully he openly talks to me about any news he gets in regards to this potential and he can only guess how he will be impacted in the long run. He assures me that unless he re-enlists, he won't deploy with his unit but would potentially be on orders of some sort until his retirement date. I know I should be happy about this but I have these "whispers" in my head and all around me actually that make me know in my heart that if his unit deploys, he wants to be there. He won't verbalize that to me and I am guessing it's because he is afraid that it will cost him our marriage if he were to go again. So instead, he just keeps insisting that he won't be going, won't be re-enlisting and doesn't want to consider leaving me and the family again. 

I have tried to talk to him to get him to really open up about this and the most he will admit is that he won't be happy staying behind knowing his men are deployed overseas but that he will find a way to manage those feelings. I'm working hard to figure out how best to support him in this. I know deep down that if I were to be living my dreams and following my passion, this would be much easier for both of us. I hate to think that he sees our marriage and me to be quite honest, as something that is so frail that could not survive another deployment. If I have learned anything over the last few months, it is that his military career is what drives him and when that career is over I want him to have no regrets. He tells me that he wouldn't but I know that what is holding him back is fear about what it would do to the family and it truly makes me sad. 

At every turn over the last week he has been talked about (in military circles about how they can get him to stay in), he has been personally asked if he would be willing to take on a promotion, and asked by individuals high in the chain of command if they could have a conversation about his future. I see the writing on the wall here and for someone who has such a love of country and turned his service into his life's work, these discussions are going to be more and more difficult to avoid and more specifically, the offers more difficult to walk away from. If his unit deploys I know he wants to be a part of it all and not stuck behind a desk somewhere here in the states. I have tried to help him understand that I am learning to accept the fact that just because he loves being in the military, it doesn't mean that he loves me any less. 

Since this news came down I have had several "whispers" or stirring of my spirit (call it what you want) about how this potential deployment could actually start me on my way to helping others by sharing my story and the countless stories of others who have been through the challenges of separation and managed to find their way back. This could be were my "preparation" in the work I have been doing with all of my self reflection, meets my "opportunity" to find my passion.

We have a long way to go and many more lengthy conversations before this chapter works its way to completion but I am grateful that at least we are in a place where we can openly have the tough dialog that will assist in making the right decisions for all of us.

 

Lesson for the day: I learned today that I really need to push myself hard to write every day. Even when I am dodging grenades, writing always helps to bring me clarity.

Wishing you Happiness and Light!

Until Next Time,

Laura D.