Ok, so I have no control over the situation and I realize that. Now it's time to follow my own advice and figure out how best to react to the situation since that is the only thing I do have control over. I think I am taking all the steps but after each heart to heart discussion with my husband it becomes clear that my issues run deep and have been around long before his military career. In fact they have been around long before I knew him....

I can't help but think that I need to resolve some "family" issues that I know contributed in some ways to my insecurities before I can truly be ready to move forward with my life. I don't like the need to have validation or be recognized for my accomplishments in life but for some reason I feel as if I have been fighting for some sort of validation that my life has purpose my entire life.

When I was young I tried to be a good little soldier for my father and when my best wasn't good enough I gave him my worst hoping it would prompt some sort of response. It didn't seem to matter though, I was always left up to mom to "deal with". I played the trumpet, took lessons and made first chair in the band all for my father. He may have been proud of me but it wasn't something that was ever mentioned even in passing. I bypassed my own dreams for the purpose of pleasing someone that it always "felt" would never recognize it. 

After enough years of giving your best and never feeling like you "measured up", it isn't difficult for me to understand how I could finally give up, turn inward and become the insecure, painfully shy young person who felt she needed to get married and have children because being a stay at home mom would be the only thing she would be good at.

Looking back at the last few decades I realize that nothing has changed with my attempts to get some sort of validation and if it didn't come from my parents, I looked for it wherever I could find someone who would tell me I was special. Heck, even after I wrote my book nobody in my family (with the exception of my mother after I asked her to please read it) ever took the time to read it. I had a book published and it seemed nobody in my family could acknowledge that accomplishment. It was and still is heartbreaking. I poured my soul into that book and complete strangers were able to find the value but my family still can't be bothered to read it. 

It's not just my family though. I remember a specific discussion with my husband when we were about to hit the market with my book about the possibility about having a celebration of some sort and that didn't go anywhere. The book came out, I sent it out to as many people as possible and gave a bunch away to military wives, and that's where it stopped. After all the writing and hours of work I put into getting it published, I guess I assumed that those around me would not only read the book but also encourage and support me to get my message heard. Did that sound bitter? I guess I am a little, ok a lot.....

To me it all comes down to one thing, if you want anything done you need to be your own cheerleader. My problem has been the lack of self esteem needed to believe in myself enough to push beyond my bitterness about my family not supporting me and make the book a success anyway. I don't know how to get that self esteem. I've had some really big moments in my life but they all seem to go unnoticed so I guess I have a difficult time finding the point to all of it.

I am still writing because it does help me recognize and think through my issues but I really want my actions to mean something to someone. When I leave this earth I want someone to notice and I want my actions to have meant something to someone. 

I know the writing is a little dark today but "I never promised you a rose garden"....

Lesson for today: I learned that I need to find a way to deal with the baggage that has been locked away for years but has been at the foundation of many of my current issues.

Wishing you true Happiness and Light!

Until Next Time,

Laura D.