At times I know my writings appear and feel to me to be quite scattered but the truth is I go through a very organic process as I am reflecting on my life over the last few years and sometimes it is specifically about what happened during that time period and others it's because of something I have experienced in my past.

Trying to keep all of this in perspective has been challenging in the best moments... 

It's easy to face the big issues that are specific to why I may have handled myself during certain circumstances over the last few years. Why I have been resentful of the military, why I felt so alone, stuff like that. What I struggle now is why I felt and still feel so insecure about certain elements in my life. 

I wrote a lot about my need for validation. Thinking back on those writings, I know it's true but if I were "truly" ok with everything in my life, it seems I wouldn't require such validation. Worse yet, I have looked to past events when I didn't get validation for my own accomplishments and tried to hold people accountable to not giving it to me when nobody can truly go back and fix it now. It's all a part of my history now and I'm sure part of me striving all of these years to prove myself (seeking such validation) has helped me to grow in some ways. Perhaps the struggle I need to take on next is working to re-establish my own self worth. I know I am here on this planet for a reason that is greater than my own understanding. Although looking back on the past gives an understanding of where it all comes from or where it started, I can't let it define who I will be in the future.

I'm trying to put all my lesson together and figure out how I can ultimately use them to help me in the future if I am ever put in a situation where I have to deal with another deployment or any major life changes. Sometimes wanting to feel better just isn't enough though and I am thinking I need to start "acting" on those lessons by putting them into practice on a daily basis. Whether it be learning how to deal with bad news, new opportunities to support my husband's military career or helping to encourage my children and others around me.

I guess as long as I keep writing, I am still trying and as long as keep trying, I am making progress no matter how slow and painful it may be.

Lesson for today: Our reactions to certain situations may not be driven by that particular issue and may be caused by something we need to understand from our past in order to move forward.

Wishing you Happiness and Light!

Until Next time,

Laura D.