But focus I will.... So let's see I think when I left off last time I was trying to figure out how my old deployment baggage triggered my even older childhood baggage. Boy when I said I was "diggin up bones" I really mean it! 

So I guess I have to go way back to the feeling of inadequacy I had when I was a child and figure out how I learned to deal with it way back before I even met my husband and then perhaps work my forward.

So let's see, I married really young so I wouldn't have to face the real world and when I realized I married this wonderful man for all the wrong reasons and knew he deserved better. That forced me to figure out a way to survive. I knew I could live with my parents for a little while but it could only be a "short" time. After all, I had a baby with me and had bills I needed to worry about. How was I going to feed her and put clothes on her back? I couldn't ask my parents so I really think it boiled down to the need to support my daughter that gave me the push. I mean lets face it, there is nothing more ferocious than a mother taking care of her young. So if she was the inspiration, I guess I can easily see how I would push my own issues of insecurity aside and give life a try. 

I remember such a great feeling after getting my first job and my first paycheck! I felt the wonders of independence and I guess it was so strong that I convinced myself I could survive on my own and make a life for myself and my daughter. I knew it would be modest but at least I could take care of my family. Don't get me wrong, the first few days of separation as I started my new job and the fear of the job itself were so scary for me but I got up every day and went because of my baby. 

I don't like to think much about what my life would have been like had I not set off on my own but I know some really wonderful things would not have happened to me and around me if I hadn't and it feels good to write that my precious daughter was my inspiration.

However, with good seems to always come some sort of challenge and I think each challenge I faced made me a better person. At the end of the day, I'm pretty happy that my path has lead me to where I am today. I just need to find that inspiration that drives me back outside of my comfort zone. I need to find a way to let go of the need for validation for my accomplishments and just know deep inside that I am worthy. In my mind I know I shouldn't need others to tell me. In fact I believe that the best of men or women, are great not because of what they say about themselves. Part of what makes them great is that they don't have to tell people how great they are, people just notice and eagerly show their appreciation and/or praise. I also know that with the great man I am married to, that's the part he is the most uncomfortable with. He feels that no matter how good he is at what he does, it's just something he is supposed to do well and as long as he knows he did his best, he is happy about it. 

So I know where I am today on this journey and I know where I want to be in the future but my challenge is to find a way to take the journey. I'll start with baby steps yet again. I can't stay angry at a world that is in the past. I have forgiven and have total understanding why people in my life have done or acted a certain way. I believe that if I can truly forgive and I feel that I have, I can ultimate forget and let go.

Well, It's Friday night and I'm hanging with the hubby soon so keeping it brief today.

Wishing you Happiness and Light!

Until Next Time,

Laura d.