Growing up I was always a chubby kid and often looked like a boy. That was me on the outside but on the inside I always felt like I wanted to be the more slender girl with beautiful hair who looked more feminine. Once I reached 11 or so I started to really dislike the person that I looked like on the outside and in turn started the process of turning that inward to a place of self-loathing. People often made fun of me as I was in the latter years of grade school because I just didn't fit in but somehow even though I didn't think very much of myself, I felt a kinship with those around me that were in the same boat as me. The outcast. These were the people that always ate lunch alone, had the same people constantly making fun of them and quite often would be clearly left out of games and activities with the "cool" kids during recess. These were my friends back in those days. I figured that just because they were different (or they were seen by the bullies as being different), didn't mean that they didn't have feelings and need friends just like I did. Funny thing is, even now when I ask others (some of the cool people) about what my nerdy friends were up to, it seems as if they have been long since forgotten including by me.

By the time I reached 6th grade, I made friends with a "new girl" that was very pretty but for some reason everyone was picking on her. She had changed schools a lot and I decided that if nobody else was going to treat her kindly, I was going to try to be her friend. We ended up being friends long into adult hood and she actually changed my life in ways I didn't expect.

I learned over the summer between 6th and 7th grade how to wear makeup, do my hair and what type of clothes were in style. By the time I started middle school I had also slimmed down and was finally starting to look and feel great about myself. Better yet, I was starting school with my new best friends and I finally thought I had a great chance to be popular or at least fit into my surroundings and not get picked on. Little did I know I was entering a year that would change the person I was for a very long time.

Let me just start by saying for a young girl, middle school can be brutal. The bullies in middle school seemed to be on steroids compared to what I thought was going on in grade school. Although I had gotten my act together on the outside, nothing prepared me for what I faced when I walked through the halls of school each day. The girls were so mean and it was not just about what you looked like on the outside that mattered, it was all about gossip. Worse yet, my new best friend that I had taken under my own wings when she felt out of place, had engaged with the mean girls and our relationship was a roller coaster of being friends then enemies at the drop of a hat and I never knew when it was going to slap me in the face. What I did know is that when our relationship went south, I was always left to fend for myself through the gossip and horrible things that were said about me (99% untrue but good gossip). Needless to say my self esteem took a major dive and I started to turn inward for a while and gravitated towards people who were such bad influences just so I could feel I fit in somewhere. My parents could have done nothing to really help me weather those stormy days. I was truly on my own to find my way through each day and try to find a reason not to cry myself to sleep each night. It all changed drastically one day when a large group of girls (30-40 aprox), cornered me in the girls locker room totally intending to give me a good beat down because of some horrible piece of gossip that not only was untrue but when I finally heard what it was I was "supposed" to have said, a complete shock to me. I was saved by the gym teacher, ran out of the school that day and never looked back.

My mom worked hard to make sure I was getting the school I needed by putting me in a school for people like me who didn't seem to fit in and I actually excelled but by that time my self-esteem was in the tank. Worst of all, it made me so fearful of other people that I kept my circle of friends close and those I did associate with during that time seemed to be a horrible influence. By the time I met my first husband when we were both still in high school, I had turned my focus back to my studies but I truly believe the scars from my middle school years were what continued to haunt me well into adulthood and sometimes continue to surface. Bethany often says "it's not always about, what it's about" and by that she means that issues from your past may very well be the things that influence experiences in your future. I guess the key is in recognizing it. This is a chain I would very much love to break! 

I do have more self confidence but still search for constant validation, am sometimes timid around new people, don't like crowds and am quite frequently full of self-doubt.

I have reached far outside of my comfort zone to try new things and live life more fully and have learned to live more comfortably in my own skin but I still feel like the puzzle of "who I am" is still missing pieces. I guess that's why I continue to search and why I know it's important to look back at the bad stuff in order to leave behind the horror and take away only the lessons. 

Lesson for the day: I have a more clear picture now of how and when my "childhood noise" started. I learned it has nothing to do with my parents and how I was raised and I also learned that it can improve if I "choose" it. Looking back on the last 10-15 years I have been choosing to make it better and gained some of what I know is tied to the person I really am. I believe we all have this capability, we only need to recognize where our issues honestly started, accept them, make a decision to change things and then get about the business of making the changes.

Wishing you Hope, Happiness and Light!

Until next time,

Laura D.